Looking in the Wrong Direction
by Feng Mei
Summary: Slash. DracoHarry a minor pairing. Story focus is on Ron and his feelings. Please, leave helpful reviews.


Every time you look at him, it's like a knife in my chest. It hurts to breathe, hurts to think, hurts to do anything but turn my face away and look somewhere else. They think that I hate you, because that's what they have to think. You and him, together, that was a big enough shock for the world, me, loving you, would give them a heart attack.  
  
I can sometimes ignore it. For a while it goes away. But it always returns when I'm partnered with Hermione and you're partnered with him. Or when I'm watching a Quidditch match with the two of you playing against each other, once I saw the snitch, but you two didn't because you were too busy looking at each other.   
  
When you got together it was expected of me to be nice to you. I was expected to smile and play nice and most of all, I was expected to support the two of you. Hermione pulled me aside one day after the two of you had announce that you were together, she pulled me into an unused classroom and stood looking at me for five whole minutes before she spoke.  
  
"You have to be nice to him, Ron. Even though you don't like him, you have to be nice for Harry's sake." She had said.  
  
I couldn't believe it. Hermione had not noticed how I felt about you. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to feel, I stood there trying to figure out if I should feel relived that she didn't know, or if I should feel upset. While I was trying to get my feelings in order you and Harry came in. I couldn't move or think or breathe. It was almost like what I feel when you look at him, but it wasn't completely the same. I felt like I was falling and that I would never be happy again. Like an overwhelming amount of sadness and pain had settled over my life and I would never be able to feel anything but sadness and pain again.   
  
"Don't be upset Ron…please?" Harry had placed one hand on my shoulder and held your hand with his other. I stiffened under his touch and my eyes flicked from Hermione, who looked regretful, to Harry, who looked nervous, then finally to you, nothing showed if your eyes, your face was blank and I let my eyes wander to your hand that was linked with his.  
  
"I don't care who you fuck Harry. Why the hell should I?" I spat and finally getting my emotions set the way I wanted and pulled violently away from him and turned so I could walk out the door. Hermione called out for me to come back and when I didn't she called me a prat. But I didn't care anymore.  
  
That day I walked a long way. I walked out of that room, down the hall; I took a right and walked up the stairs. I walked out of Hogwarts and I just kept walking. I walked for 5 hours, till it was long past dinner and hours after curfew. When I finally came to a stop I found myself on the edges of the Forbidden Forest. As I stood there staring into the darkness of a place I couldn't gather the nerve to go, I felt everything break inside me. I remember crumbling to the ground and crying out with a voice that made me sound like a dying animal. I banged my hands against the ground and I sobbed. Another few hours went by before I was able to drag myself up off the ground. When I got back to the dorm rooms you were in his bed. You both were awake and talking quietly, you hadn't even closed the bed curtains. I came in quietly and tried not to let either of you hear me, but fate it seems was against me for you both looked up as I slid into my bed.  
  
"Ron…" Harry had started to say something but I cut him off.  
  
"Forget it." I snapped and then pulled one curtain closed.  
  
"Ron, please? Where were you we were worried…" He asked me quietly.  
  
"I was out. Goodnight." I pulled the other curtain closed and cast a silencing charm.  
  
It hurts so much; you sleep in his bed every night, and call out his name. And I'm here cold and alone. It's been almost a year, and because of your relationship with him, I don't talk to either of you much anymore. I tell myself I only have to last for another year. After all tomorrow's the first day of classes of seventh year…only another year and I won't cry every night. Only another year and you two will never have to worry about me again.  
  
~a week later~  
  
Tonight I'm contemplated walking into the forest; I think that maybe, if I walk in and never come back out something can change. I figure that maybe if I die then it will be for the better because then you two will never know how I felt. You will never know that I love you. And Harry will never know I felt anything more than hatred for his lover. So, I get up, pull on my robes and quietly make my way past Harry's bed, I glance at you and him twined together. You're pale against him, and I notice not for the first time that it's amazing how you are so white and he is so dark, when you're meant to be evil and he's supposed to be good. Tearing my eyes away from you I move to the door and opening it I freeze as your voice comes from behind me.  
  
"Where are you going?" I turn and look at you in slight disbelief.  
  
"None of your business Malfoy." I say this less forcefully than I wish I did.  
  
"He'll be worried." You whisper and look down at him with something unreadable in your eyes. I'm struck by the hopelessness of my love for you.  
  
"You love him, don't you?" I ask softly. Something in my voice must have caught your attention because your face whips up to stare at me with a calculating look.  
  
"Yes. I love him very much." You reply carefully, and I know that I've lost. Without ever really starting I have lost and there is nothing I can do about it. You must have some type of understanding because you offer a slight smile.  
  
"I wish you the best." I murmur and then I'm gone, swiftly walking out of the common room; out of Hogwarts and to the edge of the Forest.  
  
It's dark and when I turn around all of Hogwarts is dark as well. I wonder, briefly, what would happen if someone catches me out here. I don't wonder long because the look that was in your eyes makes my heart hurt makes me feel like I'm being ripped apart on the inside. So I surrender to the pain and walk forward into the Forest. And suddenly I'm hit by something, falling to the ground the only thing I can think is that I didn't know something would attack me only two steps into the darkness. Then everything is black.  
  
~~~  
  
I'm alive. That's the first thing I think when I find myself harshly thrown back into consciousness. The second thought is that I wish I wasn't. I hear people muttering and moving around me, but opening my eyes would be too much of a pain, so I don't bother to open them. I'm obviously in the Hospital wing because light dances across my face and I can feel the bed under me. Deciding that maybe it's time to open my eyes I slowly allow them to crack open, wincing at the brightness I'm confronted with.  
  
"You're awake." I turn my face to the side and Harry is sitting there. You're standing behind him and it looks like he's been crying. I feel bad for a moment but then I look away because seeing you hurts.  
  
"Yeah. Why?" I ask softly.  
  
"What do you mean why!? You've been out for five days Ron!" Harry jumps up and yells in my face. I can't even get angry at him. He has every right to be mad I suppose. And I notice for the first time that I'm unbelievably selfish, but I can't help it, it's how I feel.  
  
"I'm sorry." I mutter.  
  
"What were you thinking, going out into the Forbidden Forest!? And at night no less!" He's almost screaming and I do nothing but look down at my hands and pick at the blanket.  
  
"I'm sorry." I repeat.  
  
"Sorry!? SORRY!? You know how worried we all were? If you had died…Jesus, Ron, if you had died…" Harry suddenly bursts into tears and throws his arms around my neck.  
  
"Harry…" I whisper and hug him back, feeling very selfish for my actions. There is no excuse for what I've done and if ever there was a time I should die it's now.  
  
"Weasley, you're a git." Draco looks into my eyes and I can see how mad he is that I would cause this type of suffering to the person he loves. With his words I stiffen and push Harry away. I turn my face away and stare out the window.  
  
"Ron…what's wrong? Please talk to me…you've been like this ever since Draco and I got together. Do you hate him that much?" He asks softly holding my hand tightly in his. Now is the moment of truth. I can say what I feel; I can take this chance and tell them everything I feel.  
  
"No. I don't hate him. I've been trying to give you two some room. After all, you Hermione and I aren't the group we once were, are we. We've all grown apart. You have Draco and Hermione has that beater from the Ravenclaw team and I have…well, no one, but that's not the point. We aren't best friends anymore Harry. We aren't and we never can be again. Everything is different, so are we and we've grown apart. You two are happy. And there is no room for best friends between the two of you." I say all this while staring out the window, slowly extracting my hand from his I watch the birds that are fluttering around outside. Who the hell am I kidding? I can't tell him the real reason, so I tell him another reason, one just a valid as the first. He says nothing only turns and walks out of the room. I close my eyes and a single tear runs down my cheek. It's not fair. I wish this had never happened. I wish that he had never gotten together with Draco. I wish that everything could be back to how it was before. But I know that can't happen, because that would be too nice, it would be like the best thing in the world. And things like that just don't happen to the members of the Weasley family.  
  
"Liar." A single word. I thought he had left with Harry.  
  
"Go away Malfoy." I mutter.  
  
"You're a liar. You love him don't you?" He says all the carefully and I turn my head to scoff at him.  
  
"Are you fucking with me?" I ask incredulously.  
  
"No. I'm not. You love him. I can see it. I'm not stupid."  
  
"Obviously you are, Malfoy, because you have no idea what you're talking about." I'm telling the truth and he must know it because a look of confusion passes over his face.  
  
"Then why?" He asks quietly.  
  
"I'm nothing, Malfoy. You know that, you've said it ten million times. You were right. I'm nothing. And I will never be anything more than nothing. I'm the sidekick, I'm the background filler. I'm the one that everyone passes over to get to Harry." I say this and shake my head.  
  
"I was wrong. You love me." This is said with every ounce of conviction he has. I just look at him.  
  
"You're right." I shrug, feeling empty. I don't think it matters really. No matter how I feel it can't change how he feels. He leaves. He doesn't say a word, he just leaves. And I break completely.  
  
~~  
  
A week passes and I find out that Snape is the one who saved me. Snape, Professor Severus Snape. It doesn't matter, I can't feel anything. I know Draco never told Harry what he learned that day in the hospital wing. Harry would have confronted me about it. As it is I sit at the end of the Gryffindor table and eat alone every day. Harry looks sadly at me sometimes, and so does Hermione, but nothing they could ever say can help me. So life goes on. I feel like I need to talk to someone and after pushing my food around my plate I stand up and force myself to walk towards the exit of the hall. I can feel eyes on me and I know who's they are. They belong to Draco, Hermione and Harry. I stop and turn around at the door because one pair feels unfamiliar. I scan over the room; Harry, Draco and Hermione are looking at me from where they sit as a group near the head of Gryffindor table. I let my eyes wander to the head table and find myself staring straight into the eyes of Snape. And it hits me that I will talk to him.   
  
I hurry out of the hall and stand in slightly stunned silence as I realize I'm actually thinking about speaking to Snape. Slimy, greasy, Snape. I frown and lean against the wall attempting to put my thoughts in order. The door slams behind me and I quickly begin to walk away from the hall.  
  
"Ron!" It's Harry's voice and I stop, turning halfway towards him.  
  
"Yes?" I ask and I notice that Draco, Hermione and Hermione's boyfriend are with him.  
  
"Please, can we stop this? I know it's not the same, and that we aren't three anymore, but why can't we be five? You're our friend." Harry pleaded quietly. I feel my eyes soften and I smile almost kindly at him.  
  
"Harry, it's not fun being five, it's not fun being a fifth wheel…Maybe it can be…semi-fixed at sometime later than now. But…I'm sorry. I'm meeting someone I need to go." With this I turn and hurry away ignoring them asking me to come back. The only thing I clearly hear is when Draco asks why I'm heading towards the Slytherin dungeons. I don't reply.  
  
~~  
  
I find myself standing in front of the door to Snape's office. Lifting a hand I timidly knock and then curse myself for doing so. I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what I can possibly hope to gain from this, but it's too late because the door is opening and I'm staring into the face of Potions master, Severus Snape.  
  
"Weasley." One word. That's all he needs to say. It conveys his point perfectly. What do I want?  
  
"Sir…I…" And I'm crying. What the hell am I doing? I have no idea. I stand there in front of my Potions professor and sob uncontrollably. He looks at me for a minute then, checking around like someone is watching us he opens the door wider and allows me entrance.  
  
"Sit down Weasley." He says this firmly and motions to a chair in front of a glowing fireplace. Shutting the door he moves over and sits in the over stuffed chair closest to the fire. I take one across the room and he sits in silence for minutes while I bring myself under control.  
  
"Sir, I'm sorry, I just wanted to thank you for--" He cuts me off.  
  
"Pulling you from the Forest. Yes, Weasley But that is hardly something that would make you blather around like a sodding child is it? What are you doing here?" His frankness makes me feel better and I take a deep breath.  
  
"I didn't know where else to go, sir. Please don't make me leave." I finish in a whisper and he stares at me for a moment.  
  
"I will be grading papers in the next room. When you're going to leave, tell me. And stay quiet or I'll throw you out by your hair. And ten points from Gryffindor for disturbing me during my off hours." He snaps and leaves the room. I wipe my face and stare blankly into the fire.  
  
~~  
  
I don't know what makes me go to him. I can't say why I sit for hours in front of his fire place, and I have no idea why he lets me. I go to his rooms every night after dinner. And he sits and watches me from the other room as he grades papers. When he comes to mine he tells me exactly what's wrong with it. He reduces me to tears but that's good, because it's what I need, it's what keeps me alive.   
  
One night he asks me why I come. I can't answer him because I don't know. It used to be because I love Draco Malfoy. It used to be because I had no where else to go. It started out that I wanted to thank him, or curse him, or hate him, or just be around him, it started because he was my last choice, the only choice really. It doesn't matter anymore what it was, what matters now is that fact that it's no longer that reason.  
  
"I can't answer that." I whisper and stare down at my hands like they are the reason I can't answer.   
  
"I see." He says nothing but this. He doesn't need to say anymore.  
  
"Why do you let me come?" I ask quietly, raising my eyes to look at him. He says nothing for a moment.  
  
"I can't answer that till you have answered my question, Mr. Weasley." He looks back down at his papers and I realize that he's something special, that he isn't as much of a bastard as we all think he is. I leave thinking that maybe there is something worth looking at in him. I leave smiling because I know that I'm the only one to have seen this. I leave happy because I know he means something to me.  
  
~~  
  
I come back to the dorms and Harry and Draco are sitting on my bed. I briefly wonder where everyone else is. I find that when I see them, it doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, or the day before.  
  
"Ron, I'm sorry." Harry says this and stands up coming over and wrapping his arms around me. I don't have much time to think before his mouth is over mine and my world is falling away.  
  
Draco comes up behind me and I know this is what I've been waiting for. I convince myself to be happy and I force myself to allow this. I can't say I hated it. I loved it, I felt like I was special. And when I wake in the morning, I am wrapped around them both and their breath mingles with mine. I smile and it's like waking up in a whole new world.  
  
Before we leave for breakfast we kiss, each of them claim my lips and I smile, but I feel empty and I can't understand why.  
  
~~  
  
Everything's fine for a while. Everything's fine till the first Potions class and when I walk in I feel stupid. I understand why I'm empty and I realize that I can't love Harry or Draco anymore. I never loved Harry that way, but when I realize I no longer love Draco I feel like the world has been ripped from under me, because for as long as I've been at Hogwarts my whole being has been wrapped around his. From hate to love to this new feeling that has never been associated with a Malfoy before. I love both of them, yes. But, not the way they love each other, and though the nighttime touches and the daytime kisses are fun, I can't feel what I know I should feel.  
  
I look up and Snape is watching me. Tears gather in my eyes and I know that something I had is slipping away.  
  
After class I pull them aside. Looking at them I can see they care. They might not love me, but they want to. Just like I want to love them, but can't. I smile at them and toss my hair out of my eyes.  
  
"It can't work." I say sadly, almost regretfully because I know that they agree.  
  
"Ron…" Draco starts out but he doesn't finish because I shrug.  
  
"I grew up, don't worry." I know they understand what I mean, I know they understand that I want to love them and they know I understand that they want to love me. Everyone understands but even so it makes me cry as I walk away from them. And by the time I reach the door to Snape's rooms I'm sobbing.  
  
Raising my hand I knock and the door opens. He's standing there and I'm looking at him.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Weasley?" He asks softly, almost dangerously. I'm reminded of honey pouring over razorblades.   
  
"Because, you see, I'm in love. And I need to be around the one that I love." I whisper walking forward into his rooms and shutting the door behind me. He allows me to do this and then I'm standing in front of him.  
  
"I am in love as well, Mr Weasley." He replies and I finally have all the answers I need. I step forward and his lips are on mine and I know that I'm finally looking in the right direction. And we speak no more words because words are not needed when you are in love.  
  
~fin~  
  
A/N: Well, okay then. This just sort of popped out yesterday. I have no clue where it came from And I personally dislike it a bit, but I guess I'll put it up and…well, ironic that I'm hit with inspiration the day after I announce a hiatus on my Fanfiction.net page. 


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